You know, you journalists really gotta get your minds out of the rain barrel ... gutter, I mean. What kind of thing is that to be askin' a public figure, especially at this hour of the morning? Seriously, I ... what? Oh, Eee-lection? I see. Okay, let's start over.
To answer your question properly and with due consideration of the facts, I have to start by asking you for a preliminary clarification, that is, what election?
Really? Dang. How'd I do? I was? Good. I can use the money. Now, with that cleared up, let me say that I'm in favor of it, generally. Provides work for a lot of our otherwise under-employed public servants. And that electoral college thing. You know, when it's not electoral college football season, some of those folks don't have a lot to keep their hands busy. Or their feet. But then, every four or five years, the elections come up and, bang, they're back in business again. It's the American way, keepin' those boys and girls busy and out of trouble.
But it occurs to me that unless my memory is worse than it usually is, and that's kind of difficult to visualize, I was probably not the only one on the ballot. How'd all that other stuff work out?
The Democrats took Georgia? Where? I thought that was all settled in 1864? The forces of right and justice and all took Atlanta, but they couldn't take it with 'em, so they rendered it pyrotechnically untenable. What about my beloved home state? Anybody burn its capital? No? Well, that's good. Gladstone needs a break after all they've been through.
It isn't? Did they move it out to the suburbs, out by Kipling? You're kiddin' me! All the way down to Lansing? But you gotta drive US 2 all the way past Epoufette, across that silly bridge they got there - unless you want to take the shortcut through the pipeline - and then the whole damn way down 127, clear past Mount Pleasant, dang near to Jackson. But don't go that far. Make sure you get off on Saginaw Street and take Howard south, otherwise you'll miss Dagwood's, and there ain't another decent burger between there and Ohio.
But I suppose I should ask, much as, to be frank, I'd rather not know, who's the head of state, now? Who? Oh that guy with the dogs. Well, that's probably good. I like dogs. And that other fella, the losing party, what's become of him? Is he gonna do any penance? Or time, for that matter? I suppose the wheels of justice have to grind him up fine, first, before we know. I never paid much attention to him. He wasn't really our type. We're pretty dang particular what sort we associate with, up there in the bear-infested polity where I hail from. And it's a long way to hail from, I can tell you. Sometimes you have to go up on the roof and hail from there, just to make yourself heard. I know I do.
Anyway, it's nice to have that over with. Now the nation can get back to ... whatever it was it was doing. Mowing the national lawn or whiting the sepulchers and plastering over the gaps in our national attention span, you might say, although I doubt you would. Not clear why I said it, to be honest. But best wishes to all, and may your year be a full 360 plus-or-minus days. Or degrees, whatever.
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