All right now, Sonny, I'm here. Stop foolin' with my collar, and let's get this damn thing over with.
What? It's alive, Mike? Who's Mike? This?! It's alive? Ewww! Get it off me!
Oh, all right. Why didn't you just say so? Don't know why it'd be turned on, but to each its own. As long as it doesn't bite, I don't care about its personal preferences. So ... start holdin' up the cards, and let's see if we can get this done in one fake. Take, I mean.
I have had a long and successful career representing the interests of my constituency ... anybody ask them about this? ... constituency, as a member of the Democratic Loon Party. I became a loon early in my life, and as long as I paid any attention to politics, it seemed to me that the DLP and I were made for each other. But now, in this here crisis of coincidence ... what? ... confidence, I feel that my efforts to uphold the principles of whatever it is my voters want upheld would be best served if I were to shift my allegiance into drive and ... I don't have an Allegiance, it's a Peugeot. Oh. Shift my allegiance TO a new alliance ... are you sure we're not talking about cars, here? ... to a new alliance of common interests, and they don't get any more common, I assure you, which we have decided to call the Injured Party.
Now I know some of you out there are asking yourselves, "I thought I googled panda porn. How did I get this nonsense?", and you might be right. Quite a few of you seem to be, lately. But I assure you there's a clear, logical, and compelling explanation for the change, and when we figure it out, we'll let you know. For now, let me just say that we hope we'll garner sympathy votes with this name.
Having thought of the name, incidentally, while reading a couple of fascinating subpoenas sent to one of my colleagues in the Senate, it occurred to us ... I say us, because my assistants usually read things to me while I take copious notes ... that our press releases and bar tabs would be much more appealing to the general public ... especially over at the Pentagon where they're all generals, more or less .. if they were to start out "The Injured Party testified ..."
Incidentally, in case any of you are concerned over the state of my health, physical or mental, preposterous as that may be. let me assure you that I've never been any more robust, healthy, wealthy, and wise ... healthy and committed ... to the institutions of our great system ... nation than I am today. In other words, there's no change. Spare or otherwise, climate or ... primate.
Sorry, lost the thread there. The bubble, as they say. But still, I'm sure that you, the proud members of the National Association of Rutabagel Producers, will agree that a vote for me or my opponent either, for that matter, is a vote for something. And that's easy for me to say, especially since I just thought of it now. My old mother always used to tell us "A new thought is a blue thought," and while no one knew what she meant by that, we all agreed that she was deeply whatever it was that she was. And you better believe it.
So in collusion ... conclusion ... I want to assure you that regardless of name, those of me who make up the core of the corps of the Injured Party will do our downleft best to include you in the growing conglomeration of those who are deeply injured. Thank you, and have a hippy ... harpy halidays.
J. F. McLuggage, 2017